Pete was worried stiff. Daisy, his wife, had not been herself for the past few weeks. She didn’t talk much and seemed lost in thought. He couldn’t think of anything he had done to upset her, so he decided to prod. “You loathe me, Pete!” Daisy cried. “You talk to me like I’m a clueless toddler. You make a fool of me in front of our children. You no longer value my opinion. Why do you hate me so much?” Pete was gutted. He had no clue that he was hurting his wife through inept communication. Sadly, Pete is not alone. Many spouses are nursing throbbing wounds inflicted by poor communication.
“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-2)
We may have the best intentions when communicating with our spouses. We may have noticed a weakness that latches onto them like a tick, a shortcoming that makes us go green around the gills whenever it rears its head.
We want to help them overcome and crush it into a fine powder. Because we figure it’s our job to smooth their rough edges. After all, aren’t two better than one? Isn’t it our job to hoist them up when they are tripping?
And while we may be well-meaning, if our manner of communication leaves our spouses feeling demeaned and disrespected, we have achieved nothing. We are merely a sounding brass or clanging cymbal. We produce sharp, irritating noises that make our spouses want to duck for cover.
Devoid of love, our words have neither meaning nor impact. Our spouses will not be stirred to step up or embrace change. On the contrary, they will retreat from us like a turtle into its shell. They erect invisible walls and keep us at bay.
Douse Your Communication in Love
Paul labors to describe the attributes of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Love suffers long and is kind. It does not envy, parade itself, nor is it puffed up. It does not behave rudely, seek its own, and is not provoked. It thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. And then the punch line – love never fails!
From what Paul describes, love is an overwhelmingly powerful force. Human hearts gravitate towards love like flies flutter around a lamp. Love draws in like a magnet. Lack of it is repulsive to human beings, young and old alike. When love leaves the room, all the lights go off. God himself used love to redirect the world to himself. He loved the world so much that he gave his own begotten son (John 3:16). There can be no reconciliation without love.
When communicating with your spouse, allow love to be the overarching factor. Ensure your words and actions are kind, respectful, and truthful. Do not be rude or puffed up. Even if you disagree with them, let them know you believe in them and do not despise them. Let them sense that you will never give up on them. Truth must always be spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15).
Season Your Words
Words are powerful. In my dating days, I relished sitting in a coffee shop to listen to my fiancé talk. Of course, he mostly spewed lovely, well-selected words. They hooked me, and before my heart knew it, we exchanged vows at the altar. Words can build or tear apart. The Bible itself is a collection of life-giving words. In marriage, our words breathe life into our union or siphon it. Paul implores believers to desist from uttering words flippantly.
“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:6)
Our words should be thoughtfully chosen, no matter who we are conversing with. Whether talking with a defiant toddler, the delivery man, a head of state, or our spouse. Season your words even when you disagree with your spouse’s point of view or way of doing things. Drizzle salt and spices so your words don’t grate on your partner. Let your spouse feel understood and valued.
Address the Issue, Not Your Spouse
Your spouse is a flawed human being just as you are. But mostly? They mean well. Assuming they are a person of goodwill, they aim not to hurt or rile you up. It is prudent always to have that in mind when faced with conflict. Ensure you address the issue and avoid labeling them negatively or blaming them.
For example, if your spouse forgot your wedding anniversary, refrain from labeling them unloving, careless, unthoughtful, etc. Instead, say, “I felt unappreciated when you forgot our anniversary.” That way, they know that you still hold them in high regard despite their mistake. Love is not easily provoked into condemning and judging others. It does not easily give up on people.
Listen Actively
Allow me to take you back to your dating days when your spouse had all your attention whenever they as much as sneezed. You didn’t scroll or peek at your phone when conversing with them, did you? You longed to really hear their heart. Every sigh, gasp, wink, and word mattered. Guess what, years later, this is the type of communication your spouse not only craves but deserves.
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Mathew 6:21)
Your spouse feels treasured when you listen intently, seeking to understand their point of view. They feel valued when you make eye contact, boring into their hearts. They relish the verbal affirmations you sprinkle in the conversation. They notice when you put down your phone or switch off the TV to prevent distractions.
Even when you disagree with your spouse, please treat them with the respect they deserve. Listen to them intently and mindfully.
Avoid Mind Reading and Assumptions
This works two ways. Firstly, you may pout because you are incensed about something your spouse said or did. However, you don’t raise it with them because you figure they are aware of their error. On the contrary, they may have the time of their life, totally oblivious to your displeasure.
Secondly, you may interpret your spouse’s actions differently without seeking clarification. You therefore pass judgment on them without hearing them out.
Effective communication is work. It can be laborious and take up chunks of time. However, it cannot be wished away. We see God inviting sinful Israel to approach Him so they would reason together (Isaiah 1:18). God was ready for a conversation. Each party would get ample time to state its case. There would be no assumptions.
Similarly, no matter how incensed you may be against your spouse, don’t assume their intentions or attempt to read their mind. Talk to them and let them explain their words or actions. When love is the overarching factor in our communication, conflict inadvertently leads to growth.
Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo
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