\n<\/p>\n
Disclaimer: This\u00a0isn’t<\/u> therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Currently separated from my husband. I have intentions on remaining faithful and trying to work on our marriage. He has picked back up on bad habits, drinking, smoking weed, taking mushrooms, porn and sleeping around and staying in houses with other women. I\u2019m hurt because I prayed and sought The Lord before getting married. . . Since knowing that he has been with other women, I’m ready to throw in towel, but it hurts because I love him and just want him to love me back. I’ve isolated myself and no one to really talk to this about. My family who are not saved always tell me I have problems and should not have married. His parents are believers but don’t encourage him to do what’s right in the sight of God. I’m very broken, can’t sleep without having bad dreams that me and my husband are done. I for sure thought God called us to be together. What should I do? We have 2 very young children together as well who ask about their father daily. \u2013 AH<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019m doubly sorry because neither your family nor his has supplied the help you need. This lack of support makes your agony even harder to bear.<\/p>\n Given all you\u2019ve shared, I have three recommendations.<\/p>\n Nobody can survive stressful times by fighting solo. This is particularly true when young children are in the picture, like in your situation. That\u2019s why finding a Bible-believing church needs to be one of your top priorities. Seek a spiritual house where you can feel safe enough to join.<\/p>\n See the word “enough” in the last sentence? I\u2019m borrowing this principle from a famed British psychoanalyst, D. W. Winnicott. He coined the term of being a \u201cgood enough\u201d mother. She doesn\u2019t perfectly attune to her baby\u2019s needs but is doing a good enough job, leaving the baby with only small amounts of frustration.<\/p>\n This concept is helpful because, as I\u2019m sure you know, you can search through all denominations and still, you won\u2019t find a perfect church. Maybe the music is too contemporary or the distance makes it daunting to go regularly. But if that place preaches the Bible and the people there love the Lord then tolerate small frustrations and get planted there.<\/p>\n Why?<\/p>\n Because our faith in God\u2014in His goodness, love, and power to see us through\u2014needs regular boosters, but especially during hard times. Faith comes by hearing the Word (Romans 10:17<\/a>). If ever there\u2019s a time for you not to forsake the assembling of ourselves (Hebrews 10:25<\/a>), it\u2019s now, when you\u2019re facing a trial. So, bulk up on sermons and the Word of God.<\/p>\n Research also shows churchgoers tend to fare better<\/a> in physical and mental health. Improved mental health might have something to do with the opportunity churchgoing creates in socializing with like-minded individuals. After all, a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17<\/a>); so, when you\u2019re parched for love, hang around friends.<\/p>\n Isn\u2019t it interesting this Proverb doesn\u2019t say a spouse loves at all times? It\u2019s sad when our own spouse treats us as though we\u2019re as valuable as a used tissue. But a true friend wouldn\u2019t mind babysitting for you or listening to your distress.<\/p>\n Should you stay married when your spouse hasn\u2019t respected your vows?<\/p>\n If you believe God joined the two of you in marriage, you should fight for your relationship. \u201cLet no one split apart what God has joined together\u201d (Mark 10:9<\/a>, NLT).<\/p>\n But staying married is hard when your husband is gallivanting around. For one thing, unless he\u2019s thoroughly repentant, it\u2019s unwise to trust him with your heart.<\/p>\n This is why you need to hear, for yourself, what the Almighty decrees about your situation. His view is what matters. Take His word over your family\u2019s or even your husband\u2019s behavior.<\/p>\n Especially because you can always rely on God\u2019s grace to do His ways.\u00a0<\/p>\n For instance, if He instructs you to stay the course, He will also grant you the grace and supernatural love for your husband as you bear this unpleasant situation. (\u201cLove bears all things,\u201d Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:7<\/a>.)\u00a0<\/p>\n If you feel God is leading you this way, ask for specific prayer points to pray for your husband to come to his senses. Pray for you too, so you can \u201cstand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand\u201d (Ephesians 6:13<\/a>) as you continue to navigate through the hardship.<\/p>\n One last word on this thread.<\/p>\n If God called you to remain separated (at least for now), you could trust Him to deal with your man during the break. But brace yourself. Things could grow gloomier in the meantime. Whatever happens, though, you can trust Him to keep working on your husband.<\/p>\n Discerning what God says is best done when you shut out the world. Even with young kids to care for, there are things you can do to plan a private retreat. Read the first bullet point in this<\/a> article for helpful tips.<\/p>\n Seeking God\u2019s heart on the matter might be crucial, but teasing out His voice from our own can be complicated. Many have made the mistake and attributed to God what actually arose from their own souls.\u00a0<\/p>\n I include myself in that number.<\/p>\n This is why I also recommend Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. This unique therapy modality recognizes the many inner voices we hear as coming from different parts of our souls. Practicing IFS helps us distinguish these voices from the Almighty\u2019s.<\/p>\n But let me back up and explain. We\u2019re made up of spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23<\/a>). And just as our body consists of many parts, the same goes for our soul.<\/p>\n To determine whether you\u2019ve heard from parts of your soul, here is a quick test. Have you noticed these inner reactions following your husband\u2019s misbehavior?\u00a0<\/p>\n How could he do this?<\/p>\n What should I do? File for divorce?\u00a0<\/p>\n I thought God wanted us to be together. Shouldn\u2019t we stick it out? But how, when my husband doesn\u2019t give a flipping care?<\/p>\n What should I tell the kids when they ask about their dad again?<\/p>\n If you resonate with any of the above, that\u2019s because you\u2019ve heard some of your parts expressing themselves.\u00a0<\/p>\n Validate them. Say something like: \u201cI hear you. Thanks for sharing your opinion candidly with me. I don\u2019t have all the answers, but God will help us get through this storm.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Listening to our parts calms them down.\u00a0<\/p>\n This is what it means to be still and know<\/a> that He is God (Psalm 46:10<\/a>). The stillness of your soul makes hearing God\u2019s voice easier to do.<\/p>\n So, after spending time listening to your parts and their concerns about your husband\u2019s hurtful behavior, invite God into the conversation. Listen to the Lord. The One who is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18<\/a>) will say something soothing to you, while also steering you to the right path.<\/p>\n It\u2019s easier for someone who\u2019s trained in the model to guide you with IFS. That\u2019s why I recommend investing in your own emotional welfare by hiring an IFS therapist. Head to the IFS Institute website<\/a> to find an IFS therapist near you.<\/p>\n But if you don\u2019t feel comfortable with IFS, that\u2019s fine. Find a competent therapist who is clinically skilled and won\u2019t undermine your worldview. (Some therapists, on hearing about your husband\u2019s indiscretions, might quickly advise you to leave him\u2014without hearing the other parts of you that might want to stay.)\u00a0<\/p>\n If you want a therapist who shares your faith, check out Focus on the Family<\/a> for a list of Christian therapists.<\/p>\n May God\u2019s will be done in your life\u2014as well as your husband\u2019s\u2014as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10<\/a>).<\/p>\n Photo Credit: \u00a9Unsplash\/Engin Akyurt<\/span><\/p>\n Audrey Davidheiser<\/strong>, PhD<\/strong> is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma\u2014including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com<\/a> 1. Find a Church\u00a0<\/h2>\n
2. Trust God’s Grace<\/h2>\n
3. IFS Therapy\u00a0<\/h2>\n