\n<\/p>\n
My husband doesn\u2019t think I\u2019m pretty.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s no mistake or mystery about this. He regularly publicizes his belief.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not as though I haven\u2019t tried to dissuade him. John just doubles down, citing his education for his unwavering opinion. \u201cI have an art degree.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
What am I to do?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve highlighted my height (or lack thereof). I\u2019ve addressed the ugly\u2014yet unyielding\u2014growth around my girth. Unlike my cute niece, my face lacks dimples.\u00a0<\/p>\n
He only shakes his head. To date, he still clings to the belief that I\u2019m not pretty.\u00a0<\/p>\n
That\u2019s because he thinks I\u2019m very<\/em> pretty.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m not telling you his opinion to brag about my beauty. John is just super biased.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s just say his view and mine widely diverge.\u00a0<\/p>\n The real reason I share this tidbit is to show one of the many benefits of marrying God\u2019s pick.\u00a0<\/p>\n (Not that I\u2019m insinuating marriage should happen only because of the bride\u2019s beauty or the groom\u2019s broad shoulders. All things equal, however, wouldn\u2019t you rather navigate life with a spouse enraptured, instead of unimpressed, by your looks?)<\/p>\n John\u2019s and my road to marriage held more stop signs than most. We both had to wait\u2014and wait\u2014before the Lord\u2019s candidate for us materialized. We puttered around in Single Town long after fellow singletons found the elusive exit.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s precisely this background that qualifies me to issue a warning: Please don\u2019t walk down the aisle for these wrong reasons:<\/p>\n Feeling lonely? A recent survey suggests you\u2019re not alone. Around 60% of Americans feel lonely<\/a> on a regular basis.\u00a0<\/p>\n You might think it makes sense to cure loneliness by getting hitched. After all, people are the best antidote for loneliness. Right?\u00a0<\/p>\n Nope. You can feel lonely regardless of the presence of others. This means you can feel lonely even in a marriage.<\/p>\n Using marriage as an escape hatch won\u2019t work. Nobody\u2014including your spouse\u2014can successfully meet all of your emotional needs, of which loneliness is one.\u00a0<\/p>\n Consider a better strategy. While both married people and singles will always have a reason to keep working on themselves, it\u2019s advantageous to work through your emotional needs while you\u2019re still unattached. Since deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7<\/a>), your emotional soundness will attract a partner with a similar disposition.\u00a0<\/p>\n Isn\u2019t it better for you and your betrothed to enter marriage without baggage?<\/p>\n Back in my single days\u2014before WhatsApp exploded in fame\u2014I once received a phone call from my mother\u2019s uncle. The elderly relative thought the following wisdom was important enough to impart, he placed an international call regardless of the exorbitant cost. \u201cDon\u2019t be so career-minded that you\u2019re neglecting marriage!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d I answered. The pithy shortcut had to suffice. I wasn\u2019t about to elaborate with “Actually, I\u2019m staying single because I\u2019m waiting for God\u2019s best for me, not because I\u2019m too wrapped up in work.”<\/p>\n I\u2019m sure you have your own war stories. From family pressures to those that arise from your ever-increasing age\u2014which, of course, directly relates to your biological clock and the ability to bear children\u2014it\u2019s understandable if a prolonged state of singleness drives you desperate for marriage.\u00a0<\/p>\n But getting married because of anything other than because it\u2019s God\u2019s will for you is bound to backfire. Even if a divorce doesn\u2019t dash your marriage, your union may not feel fulfilling\u2014the opposite of Jesus\u2019 mission to bring us life more abundantly (John 10:10<\/a>, MEV).<\/p>\n To experience that abundant life in the context of marriage, abandon any other prospects. Ask Him to matchmake for you instead.\u00a0<\/p>\n Should you marry someone you\u2019re not physically attracted to? Well, no. Sexual attraction is a crucial component of marriage.\u00a0<\/p>\n At the same time, neither should you marry because of physical attraction only. Whether we like it or not, \u201cbeauty is fleeting\u201d (Proverbs 31:30<\/a>).<\/p>\n How fleeting?<\/p>\n As flitting as a flower in bloom. \u201cAll flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; the people are indeed grass!\u201d (Isaiah 40<\/a>: 6-7, NASB).<\/p>\n Someone who pledges to spend forever with you primarily for your looks can renege once youth and its accouterments fade.\u00a0<\/p>\n Then there\u2019s sex. Many young Christians rush to get married so as not to commit sexual sins as a single person. Given the scriptural admonition to \u201cavoid sexual immorality\u201d (1 Thessalonians 4:3<\/a>), their intention is understandable.<\/p>\n However, God\u2019s remedy for sexual urges is not marriage. Instead, whether single or married, we are to \u201clearn to control our own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister\u201d (1 Thessalonians 4:4-6<\/a>).<\/p>\n Marriage encompasses so much more than sex. There are couples who remain married and love each other even without a vibrant sex life. Conversely, there are those who indulge in lewd sexual activities but can\u2019t make a marriage last.<\/p>\n Different formats exist when it comes to today\u2019s intimate relationships. For instance, some read \u201cdon\u2019t get married for the wrong reasons\u201d as \u201cdon\u2019t get married.\u201d The increase<\/a> in cohabitation rates attests to the popularity of practicing sex outside marital bonds.<\/p>\n Friends with benefits adds another possibility. This arrangement happens when so-called friends agree to trade sexual favors for each other, minus any romantic entanglement.<\/p>\n Some aspire to chuck monogamy altogether. Enter polyamory, a form of relationship that allows participants to conduct intimate relationships with multiple partners at once.<\/p>\n If engaging in any of these acts edified us, God would\u2019ve specified them in His Word, along with tips for best practices. The Holy Spirit would\u2019ve inspired the Apostle Paul to craft guidelines on having holy polyamory when he penned 1 Corinthians 7<\/a>, the chapter on singles and sex.<\/p>\n Listen, instead, to how God elevates marriage: \u201cHave respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage\u201d (Hebrews 13:4<\/a>, CEV).<\/p>\n Marriage is a good thing. More importantly, it\u2019s a God thing.<\/p>\n The One who created marriage (Genesis 2:18<\/a>, Matthew 19:4-6<\/a>) is also able to place a yearning within us for it. Remember, the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 20:4<\/a>, Psalm 37:4-5<\/a>, Psalm 145:16<\/a>, Psalm 145:19<\/a>, Proverbs 10:24<\/a>, Mark 11:22-24<\/a>).<\/p>\n If you\u2019re in the market for marriage, please trust your Maker to pick your mate. Ask God to direct your steps and sensitize your hearing. This way, \u201cyour ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, \u2018This is the way, walk in it,\u2019 when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left\u201d (Isaiah 30:21<\/a>)\u2014all the way until your path intersects that of your future spouse.<\/p>\n Nobody who hopes in Him will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3<\/a>)\u2014including regarding matters of the heart.<\/p>\n But if relationship issues stump you, no matter what your relationship status is, send your inquiry to my advice column<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n I promise to seek God as I compose my response.<\/p>\n Photo Credit: \u00a9GettyImages\/Maria Korneeva<\/span><\/p>\n Audrey Davidheiser<\/strong>, PhD<\/strong> is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma\u2014including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com<\/a> Loneliness<\/h2>\n
Age\u00a0<\/h2>\n
Shapes and Sex<\/h2>\n
Choosing Marriage<\/h2>\n