{"id":9635,"date":"2024-02-04T17:35:48","date_gmt":"2024-02-04T17:35:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/?p=9635"},"modified":"2024-02-04T17:35:48","modified_gmt":"2024-02-04T17:35:48","slug":"the-longest-happiest-marriages-have-these-5-defining-traits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/?p=9635","title":{"rendered":"The longest, happiest marriages have these 5 defining traits\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Everyone who says \u201cI do\u201d hopes for not just a marriage but a great <\/em>marriage<\/a>. One that, according to Christina Eller, LMHC<\/a>, a psychotherapist specializing in treating couples, is based on \u201ca solid friendship where you\u2019re nurturing each other and where you have high regard, fondness, and admiration for one another.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

\n

The million-dollar question is: What qualities separate an ephemeral partnership from one that can stand the test of time? And is there any way to cultivate those qualities in your own relationship? Research conducted on lifelong, happy pairings<\/a> reveals five traits in those who commit to the long haul and stick with it. Below, Eller breaks down those qualities so you can look for\u2014and foster them\u2014in your marriage.\u00a0<\/p>\n

1. Partner knowledge<\/h2>\n

No surprise here: Partners in successful marriages<\/a> genuinely know one another. When you\u2019re aware of your partner\u2019s joys, triggers, dreams, and worst nightmares, you\u2019re able to interact with them in an empathetic, validating way. \u201cWhen we\u2019re validating, we\u2019re creating space for our partners to experience emotions and also to process their emotions without the fear of being judged or rejected,\u201d explains Eller.\u00a0<\/p>\n

2. \u201cTurning toward\u201d one another<\/h2>\n

A study conducted by psychologist John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, a leader in research on marriage, recorded newlyweds\u2019 verbal and physical behaviors<\/a>. Six years later, after following up with the couples, Gottman determined what traits observed in those early days of marriage translate to a long and loving partnership. He determined that couples that physically \u201cturned toward<\/a>\u201d one another were more likely to stay in their committed relationship. Specifically, the couples who stayed married turned toward one another about 86% of the time, whereas couples that divorced only turned to one another about 33% of the time.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you\u2019re crossing your arms or becoming flushed, when your heart rate is beating fast, or jaw is clenching\u2014all of these are signs of a disaster in a relationship,\u201d Eller says. Instead, try to angle your body toward your partner and speak calmly and gently.<\/p>\n

This action of \u201cturning toward\u201d can be verbal as well. \u201cEmotional validation is probably one of the most essential ingredients when building a relationship,\u201d Eller says. \u201cValidating language between two people creates empathy and creates mutual respect. And when you have those two things, you\u2019re more inclined to be magnetic towards one another.\u201d Phrases like, \u201cI\u2019m hearing that you feel stressed for XYZ reason\u201d or \u201cThat would have hurt my feelings, too.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

3. Buying into \u201cbids\u201d for attention\u00a0<\/h2>\n

Gottman also found that couples in long-term marriages recognize when their significant others are trying to capture their attention. They answer the question \u201cHow was your day?\u201d with specificity and respond to requests like, \u201cCan you take out the trash?\u201d They recognize when their partner wants affection or has a joke they want to share.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

In short, they don\u2019t split their attention between their partner and their phone. They offer their partners curiosity. Or, if they\u2019re in the middle of something, they say, \u201cI can\u2019t wait to hear about this later. Maybe we can talk after XYZ?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

4. Conflict resolution\u00a0<\/h2>\n

Coming back together after a fight<\/a> is key for spouses who are in it for the long haul<\/a>. Rather than ignoring one another or waiting for conflicts to simmer out on their own, strong partners take some time apart to think and then<\/em> initiate repair.\u00a0 \u201cThe ability to repair is so important,\u201d says Eller. \u201cIf we are not vulnerable, then we are not going to be able to have an emotional connection, not only to our partner but to ourselves. Vulnerability helps with emotional connection and trust building. It helps with intimacy in our relationships, and that can make our partners feel recognized and appreciated.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

The ability to reconvene and overcome gridlocks will also offer you and your loved one a sense of shared meaning. After all, this \u201cmarriage\u201d thing is a lifelong project that requires care from both parties.<\/p>\n

5. Self-knowledge and self-soothing\u00a0<\/h2>\n

Self-knowledge is also essential for long-term coupling. After all, if you don\u2019t know who you are and what you value, how will communicate your needs to your partner?\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need to be able to understand our trigger, our pasts, our childhoods, and how all of these factors can escalate the interactions with our partners,\u201d Eller explains. \u201cThose stories are so important for our own selves to know when we\u2019re in a marriage.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

While your partner may help you feel better, great partnerships are made up of individuals who know how to care for themselves<\/a>. Maybe you can tell when you need a day alone, a workout, or a night out with friends. Keeping up with the needs\u2014whatever they may be for you\u2014will help you give your marriage the energy it needs when it needs it most.<\/p>\n

6. Acceptance of what marriage promises and what it does not<\/h2>\n

Last but certainly not least, good spouses don\u2019t expect their marriages to be harmonious 24\/7\/365. \u201cFights are inevitable. We\u2019re human beings,\u201d says Heller. \u201cThere\u2019s no way that people can be together for 20 to 60 years of marriage (or more) without having a conflict. However, the way we handle ourselves in conflict makes a difference.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Remember that your marriage is a constant collaboration. It will evolve with time\u2014as long as you keep \u201cturning toward\u201d each other (in all meanings of the phrase).\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Everyone who says \u201cI do\u201d hopes for not just a marriage but a great marriage. One that, according to Christina Eller, LMHC, a psychotherapist specializing in treating couples, is based on \u201ca solid friendship where you\u2019re nurturing each other and where you have high regard, fondness, and admiration for one another.\u201d\u00a0 The million-dollar question is: […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":285,"featured_media":9636,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[123],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9635","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-business"],"yoast_head":"\nThe longest, happiest marriages have these 5 defining traits\u00a0 | Unlock Informed Choices with Us<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Plus, how to foster these qualities in your marriage.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, 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McPhillips","author_link":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/?author=285"},"uagb_comment_info":1,"uagb_excerpt":"Everyone who says \u201cI do\u201d hopes for not just a marriage but a great marriage. One that, according to Christina Eller, LMHC, a psychotherapist specializing in treating couples, is based on \u201ca solid friendship where you\u2019re nurturing each other and where you have high regard, fondness, and admiration for one another.\u201d\u00a0 The million-dollar question is:…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9635","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/285"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9635"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9635\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9636"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9635"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9635"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/topat10.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9635"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}