\n<\/p>\n
Disclaimer: This isn’t<\/u> therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cIs it possible to help my Mom with mid-term dementia to be set free from narcissism? Or would it just be better [if] I seek out healing from the abuse myself? Thank you.\u201d \u2013 H<\/p>\n Thank you for sending in your question. Although I have never met nor diagnosed your mother, when you mentioned narcissism, my graduate training kicked in. The psychologist in me wondered if your mother might qualify for what the DSM-5-TR labels as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).\u00a0<\/p>\n In case you\u2019re not a mental health geek like me, DSM is the go-to book we in the profession utilize to diagnose mental illness.<\/p>\n On the one hand, just because someone exhibits narcissistic traits doesn\u2019t mean she fits an NPD diagnosis. On the other, you don\u2019t need a doctor to formally assess her when you live with the pain of having your needs disregarded\u2014again and again\u2014because your mother continues to act in a self-absorbed way and dismiss your reality.<\/p>\n As though a possible NPD diagnosis wasn’t bad enough, it sounds like your mother is also suffering from dementia. The combination of these two makes it very difficult\u2014if not impossible\u2014to \u201cset her free\u201d from narcissism.\u00a0<\/p>\n Short of a miracle, that is.<\/p>\n Let me explain why.<\/p>\n The first roadblock we face is willingness. Narcissists don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything wrong with them. Because they believe it\u2019s everyone else who needs to get their act together, getting your mom to agree to receive help for this personality issue already feels like fighting an uphill battle.<\/p>\n And then there\u2019s the second\u2014and even more entrenched\u2014barrier. Narcissism happens by necessity, not choice. I\u2019m not privy to your mother\u2019s backstory, but I\u2019m 90% convinced something must have significantly hurt her earlier on. Perhaps, instead of a loving or caring authority figure, your mother grew up with a caregiver who repeatedly belittled, shamed, or neglected her.\u00a0<\/p>\n Which then caused a part of her to overcompensate and exaggerate her importance.<\/p>\n It takes intentionality and hard work to help narcissistic personality parts abandon their tried-and-true ways of behaving. And that\u2019s presuming the person still has a decent level of cognitive functions. When we throw memory loss and impaired thinking into the mix, the chance of having this individual recover from narcissism is pretty dismal. \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n But if God can miraculously heal physical illnesses\u2014which He has definitely done\u2014there\u2019s no reason He can\u2019t do the same for mental illnesses.<\/p>\n Good news! There\u2019s something you can do despite this seemingly depressing discussion. Seeking your own healing from whatever abuse you have received from your mother is a viable option.<\/p>\n Here are 5 things you can do to that end:<\/p>\n The theory I practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS), normalizes humans as having different parts. But let me back up. God created humans as tripartite\u2014a fancy word that means we\u2019re born with a spirit, soul, and body. The real you is your spirit. Your soul is the one with multiplicity inside. Don\u2019t be alarmed\u2014having many parts within your soul doesn\u2019t make you a weirdo or having Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder).\u00a0<\/p>\n Having parts just makes you human.\u00a0<\/p>\n While not all of our parts are burdened, some are. The ones that are burdened tend to act out in problematic ways even when they don\u2019t intend to inflict harm.<\/p>\n Like your mom\u2019s narcissistic part.\u00a0<\/p>\n When this particular part shows up again, tell yourself the behavior you abhor is most likely due to your mom\u2019s part. However, that\u2019s not all there is to her. There are other parts of her that may feel badly about how she has behaved toward you, even if they may never have the chance to voice their opinion.<\/p>\n The problem is, your mother most likely doesn\u2019t know how to reel in her parts. (The majority of people don\u2019t. The prevalence of emotional and behavioral problems in our world testifies to this fact.)\u00a0<\/p>\n May I encourage you to view your loved one\u2019s troubling behavior through parts language? Remembering that the problem represents a part and not the entire person can promote patience and compassion for that individual.<\/p>\n Difficult individuals demand a lot from us. Narcissists insist on having others cater to them and their needs, which is exhausting.<\/p>\n But that\u2019s not all. Being around your mother\u2019s narcissistic part may provoke doubts. Maybe I\u2019m not worthy of her attention. Was I imagining things? Am I just fishing for someone else\u2019s approval? Great. Am I really that needy?<\/p>\n Listen to these inner monologues. These\u2014and similar thoughts\u2014likely originate from your parts. Please listen to their musings and, as sincerely as you can, offer them a comforting word. Assure your parts they\u2019re valuable and that their version of the story matters. Offer them the validation they need.<\/p>\n You have the power to serve as the empathetic voice that can soothe your hurt parts. While your mom may never have the capacity to empathize with you, much less apologize, you always have the choice to offer the listening and validating service for your own internal system.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t underestimate the healing that emerges from this step.<\/p>\n The need to set boundaries has inspired many to publish their thoughts. (You can skim through mine here<\/a> and here<\/a>). Without learning to establish and then enforce our boundaries, we are bound to keep experiencing interpersonal hurt\u2014which is the occasional offshoot of being in a relationship.<\/p>\n It\u2019s okay to set firm boundaries with your mom. It\u2019s also okay to explain to her the consequences for violating said boundaries. You\u2019re allowed to enforce those consequences without feeling guilty.<\/p>\n But here\u2019s the kicker: you can also apply boundaries to your own internal system.\u00a0<\/p>\n This is what I mean. Parts of you that get riled up by Mom don\u2019t have to be present whenever you\u2019re visiting her. I don\u2019t understand the physics behind it\u2014which is why I can\u2019t really explain it to you\u2014but whenever we ask our parts to give us space, they typically will, especially if they believe we\u2019ll still be safe.<\/p>\n So, ask your parts to trust that even when they give you a wide berth (when you\u2019re with Mom), you\u2019ll be fine.\u00a0<\/p>\n One way to tell whether or not they have acquiesced is by checking your heart. Does it feel a little more spacious inside? If so, these parts have indeed agreed to your request.<\/p>\n If your parts are willing to give you space, even if Mom\u2019s narcissistic part shows off again, you won\u2019t feel as affected.<\/p>\n And then there\u2019s the gold standard\u2014psychotherapy.<\/p>\n Confession: \u201cgold standard\u201d is my word. It\u2019s not as though there has been a study proving the superiority of psychotherapy above medications or vacations or anything else we do to heal our souls. At the same time, psychotherapy or “talk therapy” has been known to alleviate many issues. One statistic shows that 3 in 4 people who seek therapy find it beneficial.<\/a><\/p>\n Having provided therapy for 15+ years, I can attest that not all therapy modalities are helpful. One of the more effective ones is IFS. Now that I\u2019ve practiced and taught this modality myself, I wholeheartedly recommend therapists who are certified in it. Find the ones near you on the IFS Institute website<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n IFS therapy will help you coexist with your mom, as well as complete the next step below.<\/p>\n Have you forgiven your narcissistic mother yet? If there\u2019s a superior way to stimulate emotional healing, God would\u2019ve disclosed it in the Bible.\u00a0<\/p>\n But if your parts are like mine, forgiving someone who doesn\u2019t seem sorry at all is a tough sell. Which was why I wrote a small book<\/a> to facilitate forgiveness when you\u2019re locked in a lifelong relationship with someone difficult.\u00a0<\/p>\n Hint: you\u2019ll encounter IFS in that book.<\/p>\n Aside from forgiving your mom, you can also pray for her\u2014that God would give her the wisdom to corral her parts. Pray also for yourself and your parts so you won\u2019t end up despising your mother (Proverbs 23:22<\/a>).<\/p>\n Our prayers are powerful and effective (James 5:16<\/a>).<\/p>\n And because I believe in the power of prayer, I\u2019ll say a prayer for you too.<\/p>\n Photo Credit: \u00a9Getty Images\/fizkes<\/span><\/p>\n Audrey Davidheiser<\/strong>, PhD<\/strong> is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma\u2014including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com<\/a> 1. It\u2019s a Part<\/h2>\n
2. Validating Yourself<\/h2>\n
3. Double Boundaries<\/h2>\n
4. Individual Psychotherapy<\/h2>\n
5. Spiritual Strategies<\/h2>\n