\n<\/p>\n
Early in my marriage to my Christian alcoholic spouse, I snuck a go-bag into the trunk of my car. Twenty years later, I reflected back on that time period with a friend who\u2019d been married to an abusive man. She had also driven with a go-bag in her car. I looked at her and said, \u201cProbably, if you know what a go-bag is, or you\u2019re driving around with one \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
She finished my sentence, \u201cIt\u2019s time to make a change.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019d been a \u201cgood, Christian girl,\u201d and found myself married to an alcoholic before I understood alcoholism. I had no idea how to help my alcoholic spouse, and even though I thought I knew the biblical response to addiction in marriage, time and experience have wizened my perspective.<\/p>\n
My husband was sober when I met him and passionately following Jesus. I thought that meant he\u2019d overcome his addiction. I didn\u2019t know addicts battle for sobriety daily. He relapsed the week before the wedding\u2014a moment I revisit often\u2014and the next two years were perforated by frequent relapses, darkness, loneliness, and shame. I feared telling friends or family because I didn\u2019t want to receive judgment or admit failure. \u00a0<\/p>\n
Did I stay? Yes. Should I have? Probably not, except for one inescapable reality. Because of my experience, I was able to write this article and my late husband\u2019s memoir. \u00a0<\/p>\n
Indicators that you are enabling your spouse\u2019s addiction:<\/p>\n
Loving an alcoholic spouse requires firm boundaries and tough love. When my husband relapsed, I didn\u2019t just keep his addiction a secret for his sake; I remained silent for selfish reasons too. People will know I made a mistake. I feel so duped.<\/em> If I tell my family, they\u2019ll never forgive him.<\/em><\/p>\n I rationalized circumstances every day. He\u2019s not drunk all the time. He\u2019s a Christian; God will deal with him.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Loving our spouse enough to get him or her the help they need is a pride<\/a>-swallowing affair. In some cases, telling others could result in a dangerous backlash from the addicted spouse.\u00a0<\/p>\n Many Christians will tell you the only biblically acceptable reason to leave a spouse is in the case of adultery. I would argue that those Christians have never stood where you stood\u2014and they certainly can\u2019t see the cards you\u2019re holding.\u00a0<\/p>\n And there\u2019s a vast difference between a functioning alcoholic and an abusive one. Spouses of alcoholics could also argue the difference between physical abuse and mental abuse.\u00a0<\/p>\n Alcohol chemically alters a person. Therefore, the alcoholic spouse standing before you is not the same person you married. Should you stay? Unfortunately, you\u2019re the only one who can answer that question.\u00a0<\/p>\n When my late husband\u2019s addiction was at its peak, and I was losing hope, I risked telling a Christian friend who\u2019d been through the \u201chard.\u201d Her words to me were beautiful, so now I am giving them back to you. She said, \u201cWhen it\u2019s time to divorce him, you\u2019ll know.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n There was zero condemnation in her voice, zero judgment in her tone. \u201cWhen it\u2019s time to divorce him, you\u2019ll know,\u201d was a silent permission to leave if I needed to.\u00a0<\/p>\n Your safety and well-being matter. The safety of your children matters. If loud, profane arguments are becoming more frequent and more venomous, it may be time to seek sanctuary. If objects are being flung across the room in anger, those outbursts will likely only become more dangerous with time.<\/p>\n Answering \u201cwhen is it time to leave?\u201d requires humility and introspection. Asking these questions and answering honestly means braving the reality you\u2019ve been avoiding. Here are more hard, truth-revealing questions.<\/p>\n Counseling is crucial for the spouse of an addict. A trained counselor can mirror back a person\u2019s thoughts and help a spouse navigate the best course of action. A professional will also recognize danger signs and help a spouse determine when it\u2019s time to walk away from the marriage or suggest police intervention. Counselors are also great because they are unbiased, and conversations with them are confidential.\u00a0<\/p>\n Many people suggest counseling for the addict himself. The problem with this idea is that counseling will only work if the alcoholic wants to change. And, even if an addict wants to be healthier or have a stronger marriage, the battle is an uphill climb. In addition, the motivation to change is often short-lived. Alcoholics are always alcoholics. They can\u2019t have just one drink. They don\u2019t have an off switch when it comes to this vice.<\/p>\n There is a space between marriage and divorce. By staying in the home despite your spouse\u2019s addiction, you are telling your spouse that he\/she doesn\u2019t have to change in order for you to stay.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019ve advised many people in this situation to arrange a separation, which has multiple benefits. Separation\u2026<\/p>\n Following a two-month separation, my husband and I reconciled. By God\u2019s strength, he remained sober for over nine years, when he succumbed to temptation. As a result of the relapse and subsequent drunk-driving accident, doctors found stage IV cancer in my 36-year-old husband\u2019s body. \u00a0<\/p>\n Jesus\u2019s heart breaks over addiction, whether it is the addict or the family members affected. This life is only a dingy duplicate of what awaits us in heaven. Here, when life becomes unbearable, God\u2019s word has the power to anchor our hearts with hope.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThe LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit\u201d (Psalm 34:18<\/a>).\u00a0<\/p>\n He has sent me to bind up\u00a0the brokenhearted, \u201cBlessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted\u201d (Matthew 5:4<\/a>)<\/p>\n \u201cPraise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ<\/a>, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,\u00a0<\/sup>who comforts us\u00a0in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God\u201d (2 Corinthians 1:3-4<\/a>).<\/p>\n \u00a0\u201c<\/sup>Do not be anxious about anything,\u00a0but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.\u00a0And the peace of God,\u00a0which transcends all understanding,\u00a0will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7<\/a>).<\/p>\n Dear Chain-breaker,<\/p>\n The shame of using launches _________ back into the addiction to numb the pain. The cycle is maddening for __________ whose desire to quit is greater than anything, except his\/ her desire to use. The cycle is nearly impossible to escape. God, this is where you step in. You are the breaker of chains, defender of the weak. You are a strong fortress. You are the embodiment of victory. Please step into the fray and be _______\u2019s champion.<\/p>\n From: Prayers Against Addiction: Praying for Your Addict Where the Needle Pierces Skin<\/em>\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n Dear Jesus,<\/p>\n With tear-stained eyes I am on my knees. My heart is broken, shattered. This disease of addiction has stripped ___________ of so much. My heart breaks for the strain _________\u2019s drinking places on our family. How do you do it God? How do you love us so much and never leave us? Your heart must break! And yet, your love never fades, never leaves.\u00a0<\/p>\n Teach me to love like that! Teach my heart to have the strength to love when it’s hard to love, when the other person does not want to receive my love. To maintain healthy boundaries and not enable bad behavior but also be supportive. Jesus, heal my heart and the heart of ____________.<\/p>\n From: Prayers Against Addiction: Praying for Your Addict Where the Needle Pierces Skin<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n Dear God,<\/p>\n _________ cannot do this on his\/her own. He\/ She needs Your help and help from others. Please help ________ set pride<\/a> down to receive help. I can\u2019t imagine having to admit my faults so vulnerably, the way he\u2019ll\/ she\u2019ll be forced to do. May people be receptive and tender-hearted as they listen. Please give _______ a safe place, a safe person to practice sharing his\/ her story with. Please help others to be trustworthy with his\/ her heart.<\/p>\n From: Prayers Against Addiction: Praying for Your Addict Where the Needle Pierces Skin<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n Dear God,<\/p>\n That argument was pretty bad. I\u2019m so tired of _________\u2019s needs and selfishness trumping mine. ________ steals my peace, my joy, my time, my energy, and my money. _______ exhausts me and I don\u2019t know if I have what it takes to help ______ anymore. I\u2019m so tired. Help me define the space between boundaries and grace. Tell me when it\u2019s time for distance. Speak clearly, so I don\u2019t mistake my own thoughts for Yours. Above all, please step into the damage we\u2019ve done to one another and create space for reconciliation in the future.\u00a0<\/p>\n From: Prayers Against Addiction: Praying for Your Addict Where the Needle Pierces Skin<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n If you are married to an alcoholic spouse, you do not have to carry this burden alone. Prayer matters deeply, but God often brings help through wise counselors, recovery groups, pastors, doctors, and trusted believers who can walk with you in truth and safety. Consider resources such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon or other family support groups, a licensed Christian counselor, your church\u2019s pastoral care team, and local crisis or domestic abuse services if your home is unsafe. Seeking help is not a failure of faith. It is a wise step toward honesty, healing, and protection for everyone involved.<\/p>\n Alcoholics Anonymous<\/a>\u2014Have a problem with alcohol? There is a solution.<\/p>\n Al-Anon<\/a>\u2014Al-Anon members are people, just like you, who are worried about someone with a drinking problem.<\/p>\n Celebrate Recovery<\/a>\u2014A safe place to find freedom from your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.<\/p>\n Photo credit: \u00a9Getty Images\/KatarzynaBialasiewicz<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n Early in my marriage to my Christian alcoholic spouse, I snuck a go-bag into the trunk of my car. Twenty years later, I reflected back on that time period with a friend who\u2019d been married to an abusive man. She had also driven with a go-bag in her car. I looked at her and said, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":988,"featured_media":18404,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[105],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18403","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating"],"yoast_head":"\nShould a Christian Stay with an Alcoholic Spouse?<\/h2>\n
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The Importance of Pastoral Care, Counseling, and Support<\/h2>\n
Biblical Boundaries for Being Married to an Alcoholic<\/h2>\n
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Conclusion<\/h2>\n
Bible Verses for Christians Married to an Alcoholic Spouse<\/h2>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, \u201d (Isaiah 61:1<\/a>).<\/p>\nPrayers for an Alcoholic Spouse<\/h2>\n
Resources for Alcoholics and Their Families<\/h2>\n