If you\u2019d asked anyone, from church family to strangers on the street, they would\u2019ve told you that, from the outside looking in, my relationship with my mom was perfect. Nobody had ever seen a closer mother and daughter.\u00a0<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why it was a shock to everyone\u2014including her\u2014when I chose to \u201cbreak up\u201d with her when I was 26.<\/p>\n
A whopping one-quarter of adult children<\/a> are cutting ties with their parents today. Contrary to what some may think, cutting out your parents isn\u2019t an act of selfishness or cruelty\u2014it\u2019s often a last resort. Going “no contact” with my mom was one of the hardest things I\u2019ve ever done in my life because I love her and want her in my life.<\/p>\n So, why are so many people dumping their parents, and how can you restore your relationship with your adult child?<\/p>\n If you put on your Sherlock Holmes detective cap and are honest with yourself, you\u2019ve probably heard your child voice complaints about the relationship long before now.<\/p>\n Your child telling you how they feel and what problems they perceive in the relationship isn\u2019t disrespectful or disobedient; it\u2019s actually scriptural and holy. In Matthew 18:15<\/a>, Jesus says, \u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Your child is not just your child; they are children of God and your brothers and sisters in Christ. It\u2019s not only okay for them to bring up these things, but it\u2019s necessary. Confrontation, as uncomfortable as it may be, is the first step toward reconciliation.\u00a0<\/p>\n Your task, then, is to listen.<\/p>\n Not defend yourself. Not bring up instances they\u2019ve hurt you. Not remind them how much you\u2019ve done for them or sacrificed. Not to challenge their recollection of events.<\/p>\n Just listen.<\/p>\n What you hear may be difficult to swallow. It may even feel like an attack. Your instinct may be to go into self-defense mode. Instead, take instruction from James 1:19<\/a> and be \u201cQuick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.\u201d<\/p>\n Say something like, \u201cI know you are not happy with our relationship. I am trying to understand why. Can you share how you feel with me? I will just listen; I will not say anything.\u201d<\/p>\n Then let them talk.<\/p>\n If you feel overwhelmed, just let them know you need a break or to end the conversation there so you can process what they\u2019ve said. Taking space will be crucial throughout this process.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the thing: You don\u2019t have to agree with what your child is saying.<\/p>\n My mom did not agree with much of what I said or felt at first. Our versions of events were totally different. At first, she was extremely hurt and angry by what I told her. We argued a lot<\/em>.<\/p>\n As a parent, you never dream of hurting your kid. But denying what I felt didn\u2019t make the pain go away. It just made it hurt more.<\/p>\n Even if you don\u2019t agree with the source of the pain, you can\u2019t deny the pain exists.<\/p>\n \u201cOne of the deepest of all the human hungers is the need to be understood, cherished and honored.\u201d\u00a0– Robin S. Sharma<\/p>\n Validation is so crucial to healing. Your child can\u2019t move on to any other steps of mending the relationship without it. They need to know that you get what they\u2019re saying, or at the very least, that you\u2019re trying to get it.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s say your adult child says that they feel you didn\u2019t give them enough attention as a kid, or that you\u2019re too critical of them. You don\u2019t have to argue it. You don\u2019t have to deny it. You don\u2019t have to remind them of all the other good things you did as a parent or the reasons you think they\u2019re wrong.<\/p>\n Your task is to accept that they feel this way. \u201cI understand you feel like you didn\u2019t get enough attention.\u201d \u201cI hear you.\u201d \u201cThat sounds like it was hard.\u201d<\/p>\n You can even lead with curiosity and ask, \u201cCan you share an example of a time when you felt I\u2026?\u201d Then listen and validate some more.<\/p>\n The beginning stages of repair for my mom and me were a lot of very tense conversations like this spread out over time. It\u2019s not easy or fast. It\u2019s a slow, sometimes maddening process. But that is where your unconditional love for your child kicks in. \u201cLove is patient, love is kind<\/a>\u2026\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:4<\/a>).<\/p>\n Now that you\u2019ve listened and validated, it\u2019s time to communicate.<\/p>\n Communication doesn\u2019t mean talking and hearing. The goal of communication is understanding.<\/p>\n After listening to what your child has to say and validating it, you\u2019ll likely have some things you want to get off your chest, too. Since your goal is understanding\u2014and as a result, connection \u2013 what you say (and how you say it) matters.<\/p>\n The Gottman Method is a type of marriage and family counseling methodology that is trusted by therapists and psychologists around the world. Here are some communication tips<\/a> from the Gottman Institute to get you started.<\/p>\n This way of communicating takes a lot of learning and practice, especially if you were never taught emotionally healthy ways to express yourself growing up. My mom and I certainly didn\u2019t know any of this stuff beforehand, and it\u2019s taken a long<\/em> time to develop the \u201cemotional muscles\u201d for it.\u00a0<\/p>\n If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it\u2019s okay to take a step back. You are allowed to feel angry, anxious, and anything else you feel. The point is to communicate in helpful ways that draw you closer together instead of pushing you further apart.<\/p>\n When I began setting boundaries with my mom, it made her feel incredibly angry and hurt. She didn\u2019t understand how I could do such a thing. To her, it felt rude, disrespectful, and cruel.<\/p>\n But boundaries are not there to hurt anyone or insult anyone; they are there to ensure safety, respect, and trust in the relationship.<\/p>\n “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – Prentis Hemphill<\/p>\n If you\u2019re not familiar, a boundary is an emotional or physical line you draw in a relationship. Setting a boundary doesn\u2019t mean telling the other person what to do. A healthy boundary is about what you will or won\u2019t do\u2014not the other person.<\/p>\n A boundary your child may make could be something like, \u201cPlease do not feed the children candy when they come over, or I will have to stop letting them visit.\u201d<\/p>\n Notice it is a declaration (this is what\u2019s happening and how it makes me feel) and a consequence (if you continue to do X, Y, or Z).<\/p>\n Even if you don\u2019t agree with your child\u2019s boundaries, it\u2019s your duty to respect them by upholding them.<\/p>\n And your child is not the only one who should be setting boundaries! It\u2019s a good practice for you to learn as well. By implementing your own boundaries and respecting your child\u2019s, you\u2019ll strengthen your relationship with them and, as a bonus, your self-esteem!\u00a0<\/p>\n These boundaries will be the new \u201crules of engagement\u201d for your relationship and provide \u201cbumpers\u201d for your interactions. You can always add a new boundary or change up an old one. Just make sure you\u2019re communicating those wishes openly.<\/p>\n Now that you\u2019ve listened, validated, communicated, kept, and set some solid boundaries with your adult child, the next step\u2014and lifelong commitment\u2014is to continue learning.\u00a0<\/p>\n You should be endeavoring to learn more about boundary-setting, emotional health, communication, and anything specific that may come up in your relationship with your child.<\/p>\n For example, if your child has shared with you that they were diagnosed with ADHD, you should be taking time to independently learn about ADHD. I stress \u201cindependently,\u201d because the time, energy, and investment is yours to make and demonstrate your level of commitment and compassion to understanding your child.\u00a0<\/p>\n Asking your child for their favorite learning resources on the topic, however, can be a great source of bonding and conversation. Through discussing what I\u2019m learning, my mom can enter into my \u201cworld\u201d with me, and that makes our time together more fulfilling and rich.<\/p>\n Likewise, if you find something that you feel could help your child understand you better, feel free to share it with them. It always delights me when my mom shares with me things that are personally meaningful to her because I want to know her as a person, not just my mom.<\/p>\n Of course, you love your child\u2014that\u2019s the whole reason you\u2019re here! But it can be challenging when you and your child have very different ideas of what love looks like.<\/p>\n Growing up, my mom\u2019s way of showing me love was buying me gifts or doing things for me. Despite this, I felt so incredibly unloved, in part, because what I really wanted from her was more of her. More of her time and attention. I didn\u2019t care about new toys or games.<\/p>\n When you have opposing love languages like my mom and I do, neither of you gets what you need, and both of you end up feeling frustrated and unloved.<\/p>\n But thankfully, there\u2019s a solution: developing ways to show your adult child you love them in ways they can receive, not the ways you prefer.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t know your child\u2019s love language? Well, you can always ask, \u201cWhat can I do to make you feel loved?\u201d or \u201cWhat do I do that makes you feel most loved?\u201d<\/p>\nStep 1: Listen<\/h2>\n
Step 2: Validate<\/h2>\n
Step 3: Communicate<\/h2>\n
Step 4: Set Boundaries<\/h2>\n
Step 5: Keep Learning<\/h2>\n
Step 6: Show Love<\/h2>\n