\n<\/p>\n
Disclaimer: This isn’t<\/u> therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Dr. Audrey, I read your article, Don\u2019t Have Close Friends? Consider This<\/a>. It\u2019s a very good article, but I\u2019m more introverted than extroverted. My question is, I have tried in [the] past volunteering to be a good friend, only to be taken advantage of and disrespected. It hasn\u2019t worked for [me] thus far. Any suggestions? Maybe I didn\u2019t set boundaries when volunteering to be a friend. Please advise. \u2014W<\/em><\/p>\n Thank you for your kind words. Hearing readers\u2019 feedback always spurs me on, but especially uplifting ones like yours.\u00a0<\/p>\n Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed<\/a>. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do<\/a>.<\/p>\n The fact that you\u2019re interested in making new friends despite our society\u2019s friendless norm is worth applauding.<\/p>\n But this brings us to your question.\u00a0<\/p>\n How?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them?\u00a0<\/p>\n It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes\u2014whenever they do something that offends or hurts you\u2014and try to repair the rupture.<\/p>\n But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?<\/p>\n I understand you\u2019ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I\u2019m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can\u2014and do\u2014happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let\u2019s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do\u2014specifically, in the context of making friends.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what I mean:<\/p>\n Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren\u2019t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they\u2019re driven by these needs:\u00a0<\/p>\n -Guilt avoidance<\/p>\n The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10<\/a>, Galatians 6:9-10<\/a>). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear\u2014of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake.\u00a0<\/p>\n Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off.\u00a0<\/p>\n -Preventing loneliness<\/p>\n Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they\u2019re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on.\u00a0<\/p>\n -To feel wanted or needed<\/p>\n Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone\u2019s meal every time we dined out. Had to<\/em>. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.<\/p>\n Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder.\u00a0<\/p>\n -To fend off rejection or abandonment<\/p>\n One sign you\u2019re operating out of this motivation is if you\u2019re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you\u2019ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen.\u00a0<\/p>\n Now what?<\/p>\n The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy<\/a>, is by being Self-led.\u00a0<\/p>\n If the phrase conflicts with what you\u2019ve heard at church\u2014because aren\u2019t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?\u2014let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That\u2019s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6<\/a>).\u00a0<\/p>\n To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.<\/p>\n How do we make friends by being Self-led? I\u2019ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first.\u00a0<\/p>\n Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients\u2014as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS\u2014working with parts is an effective way to move forward.<\/p>\n I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn\u2019t you set firm boundaries with that friend?<\/p>\n Let\u2019s say the answer is because there\u2019s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer\u2014always an affirmative, no matter what.<\/p>\n However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited.\u00a0<\/p>\n All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn\u2019t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don\u2019t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.)\u00a0<\/p>\n -How long have you been doing this job for me?<\/p>\n -What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?<\/p>\n -Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs? \u00a0<\/p>\n -Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there\u2019s a better way to live?<\/p>\n This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes\u2014instead of an honest no\u2014so you won\u2019t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:<\/p>\n Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends\u2014all of these qualify for emotional healing.\u00a0<\/p>\n According to Psalm 42:7<\/a>, \u201cdeep calls unto deep\u201d (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you\u2019ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain. \u00a0<\/p>\n There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health<\/a> if you need a place to start.<\/p>\n Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led.\u00a0<\/p>\n So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt.\u00a0<\/p>\n If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People<\/em><\/a>, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you\u2019ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks.\u00a0<\/p>\n With that, I\u2019ll bid you adieu.<\/p>\n May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!<\/p>\n Photo Credit: \u00a9Getty Images\/Zorica Nastasic<\/span><\/p>\nWrong Motivations for Friendship<\/h2>\n
Self-Led Friendship<\/h2>\n
1. Learn to Say \u201cNo\u201d<\/h2>\n
2. Heal Emotional Pain<\/h2>\n
3. Conflict Resolution <\/h2>\n