When my daughter reached her late teens and early twenties, our relationship went through a difficult period. Going away to college gave her an emotional distance that allowed her to more clearly perceive her past, including how I\u2019d parented her. She began to recognize ways I\u2019d caused her pain and how those wounds were affecting her and her relationships.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve since discovered that this frequently occurs when children enter adulthood. If they feel relatively safe with their parent, there usually comes a time when they relay these hurts. Sometimes they do this calmly, and sometimes with the anger that stems from a deeply wounded soul. This can feel terrifying, especially for those who carry unresolved guilt and shame. In the moment, our child\u2019s words might feel like rejection, thereby triggering defensiveness within us. In reality, our son or daughter is seeking healthier and more fulfilling interactions with us. <\/p>\n
They are reaching toward us and asking, if not begging, for us to reach for them\u2014in their pain. When we respond well, we help repair relational damage, bring healing to soul wounds, and strengthen joy-filled connections. When we react poorly, however, we tend to widen the fissures between us, deepen our child\u2019s hurts, and make them less apt to reveal their truest selves, happy or sad, to us in the future.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Here are some six things I learned from my experience and listening to other moms and young adults:\u00a0<\/p>\n
According to mental health experts, defense mechanisms are unhealthy ways of coping with challenging situations, thoughts, and emotions. Unfortunately, we tend to exhibit these learned reactions before we can evaluate our circumstances or internal experiences. This makes it challenging to change our behavior. Our inability to do so can lead to increased guilt and shame.<\/p>\n
The more we notice these unhelpful reactions and prayerfully consider their roots, the easier it becomes to regulate our emotions during tense and uncomfortable conversations. We\u2019re more apt to speak from what my therapist refers to as our \u201cSpirit-led self\u201d rather than our insecurities and pain. Not only will this keep us from escalating the conflict, but our son or daughter is more likely to feel heard and loved, thereby encouraging calm communication.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Due to some of my unresolved, and initially unknown, pain, I viewed many of my daughter\u2019s expressed hurts as rejection. Growing up, I\u2019d learned connections ceased when I failed to meet other people\u2019s expectations. Without realizing it, I carried these subconscious beliefs into my most important adult relationships. Therefore, when my daughter told me of times when I hadn\u2019t behaved like the mom she needed and I longed to be, the unhealed places in my soul feared she was pushing me away.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In reality, those conversations revealed the opposite. She didn\u2019t want \u201cless\u201d of me. She wanted more of me\u2014the real, healthy me. She longed for us to build a mutually fulfilling relationship, one free of tension, insecurity, and dysfunction. Now, I\u2019m grateful for her courage to speak the truth during that season because it encouraged us both to grow. Those discussions didn\u2019t destroy or damage our relationship. Rather, they healed and strengthened it. \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
While hurt or upset, it can be challenging to express ourselves in a calm, logical, and coherent way. We may not even realize the underlying emotions fueling our pain and frustration. For example, when my husband and I were first married, he would leave dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and dishes in the living room. Hearing my complaints, he assumed I was upset with the mess. My hurt went deeper. Because I assumed responsibility for maintaining our home, I felt devalued by his actions. Once he understood this, he was able to respond to my pain with the assurance and love I craved.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Young adults might exist in grown bodies, but their brains aren\u2019t yet fully developed. Plus, they won\u2019t be able to regulate intense emotions unless we\u2019ve taught them to do so and have displayed how. Therefore, we can view tense conversations as opportunities to train and model healthier coping. We\u2019ll also find that the more a person feels heard and understood, the safer and more loved they feel, which brings calm to their inner angst.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I once read a social media graphic that said something to the effect of, \u201cIf you\u2019re still upset after twenty-four hours, address it.\u201d While I understand the sentiment of not allowing a hurt or \u201coffense\u201d to fester, I disagree with the timeline, especially when dysfunction has crept into a relationship. In my case, God had a lot of work to do within me before I\u2019d see the situation with my daughter clearly enough to engage in difficult discussions.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t realize how many experiences from my past influenced my present perspective. But God knew. He saw the depth of both of our hearts\u2014our hurts and insecurities\u2014and how and where we most needed growth and transformation. Often, when I prayed, asking Him to heal our relationship, He shifted my focus onto myself and what He wanted to do in me in that moment. He routinely called me to focus not on my desired outcome but simply my very next step.\u00a0<\/p>\n
At one point, I sensed Him telling me that He was bringing me to a place where I would be okay, regardless of how others reacted to me or behaved. In other words, He was leading me to increased wholeness so that I could love others, my daughter included, more freely and fully. Yielding to Him during that season felt painful and frightening, especially since He didn\u2019t give me any guarantees in regard to my daughter. But I can see now His faithfulness and perfect wisdom for every moment, the most challenging included.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Maya Angelou once said, \u201cDo the best you can until you know better.\u201d While I receive great comfort from her words, I still carry a lot of regret for the pain my ignorance caused. Borrowing from something counselor and author Gina Berkemeier once wrote, I tell my daughter often, \u201cI wish I\u2019d gotten help sooner.\u201d I wish I\u2019d been more aware of how generational patterns and wounds I experienced as a child impacted my parenting.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I wish I would\u2019ve done the hard work, with professional help, to be the healthiest and most confident version of myself possible\u2014prior to becoming a mom. Yet, while I carry regret for the wounds my learned dysfunction created, I\u2019m incredibly grateful for where God has brought me\u2014and my daughter and our relationship\u2014now. I wouldn\u2019t have reached this place on my own. I needed someone who loves Jesus and has years of relational education and experience that I lack.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I needed someone whose perspective of me and my situation wasn\u2019t clouded by past hurts and the faulty thinking that came with them like I was. Both my daughter and I found such a resource in separate but equally Christ-led and wise counselors, and for that, I am beyond thankful.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I know parents who have been struggling relationally with their adult child for years and battle discouragement and fatigue. They fear God might never heal their relationship. Even sadder are those who quit trying after a couple of tense years. I don\u2019t say that with judgment as I understand the natural desire to withdraw in self-protection. But I\u2019m also the adult child of a parent who chose to disengage. That left an ache I\u2019m not sure will ever go away. Never wanting my daughter to feel such rejection, I determined to fight for her, even if she continuously pushed me away.<\/p>\n
Thankfully, she\u2019s a forgiving woman of God who persevered to bring increased health to our connection. But I hope, were she to have responded differently, I would\u2019ve done all I could to ensure she knew that I would always strive to be her greatest fan and constant support.<\/p>\n
Please don\u2019t mishear me. I\u2019m not suggesting a parent enable unhealthy or abusive behaviors. Denying the truth isn\u2019t love, nor does that help anyone, the wayward child included. But one can maintain appropriate boundaries, when necessary, while still communicating, \u201cI am for you, now and always. And I\u2019ll never stop praying for you, reaching for you, or longing to see you thrive.\u201d \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Photo Credit: \u00a9Getty Images\/Daisy-Daisy<\/span><\/p>\n Jennifer Slattery<\/strong> is a writer and speaker who hosts the Faith Over Fear<\/strong><\/a> podcast. She\u2019s addressed women\u2019s groups, Bible<\/a> studies, and writers across the nation. She\u2019s the author of Building a Family<\/a> and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n As the founder of Wholly Loved Ministries<\/a>, she\u2019s passionate about helping women experience Christ\u2019s freedom in all areas of their lives. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women\u2019s event<\/a>\u00a0 and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE<\/a>\u00a0 and make sure to connect with her on Facebook<\/a> and Instagram<\/a>.<\/p>\n