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My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We sometimes joke about the fact that our parents even let us get married at such an early age. Why did they let us go through with such a big decision<\/em>? We had no idea what we were doing<\/em>. Not that many newlyweds do.<\/p>\n Mostly, we had no idea how different we were. My husband and I are total opposites in almost every way; we are not compatible on paper, at all.<\/p>\n Yet we\u2019ve done the work to make our marriage work.<\/p>\n Now, 23 years later, we are church leaders and parents of three sons, and we are still doing the work of loving each other. We are often asked about the secret to making a marriage last between two opposite personalities.<\/p>\n For us, a happy marriage is not so much a list of dos and don\u2019ts, but it is a few postures and decisions we\u2019ve chosen to adapt as marital values. Here are a few:<\/p>\n Elizabeth Elliot was thought to have said something like, \u201cA happy marriage is made up of two people who forgive each other for the rest of their lives.\u201d Marriage between two limited, imperfect human beings requires a whole heckuva lot<\/em> of forgiveness.<\/p>\n And often \u2014 just being honest here \u2014 we don\u2019t have that in us. Because of our pride<\/a> or anger or human selfishness, it can be easy to hold grudges rather than choose grace. So, this is when we need to access Jesus\u2019 unending forgiveness.<\/p>\n This is when we need to posture ourselves before God and ask for help, \u201cJesus, give me the ability to forgive my spouse today, because you have forgiven me so much.\u201d<\/p>\n Ephesians 4:32<\/a> reminds us to \u201cbe kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.\u201d This posture of forgiveness is crucial to embrace for a happy, lasting marriage.<\/p>\n As I said, my hubs and I are opposites. We don\u2019t enjoy the same activities. We don\u2019t ever want to watch the same shows or listen to the same style of music. On paper, we are actually totally wrong for each other.<\/p>\n But we are intentional about laughing together. Scripture reminds us that laughter is good medicine, good for the heart (Proverbs 17:22<\/a>), and it\u2019s just as true in the heart of a marriage.<\/p>\n A couple who can laugh together can have fun together \u2014 and that\u2019s a meaningful way to make life\u2019s burdens lighter together.<\/p>\n \u201cGreater love has no one than this: to lay down one\u2019s life for one\u2019s friends\u201d (John 15:13<\/a>). This Scripture, along with others like it, is the real work of\u00a0love and marriage.<\/p>\n In public, as in private, honor one other. Put the other first. Lay down each other\u2019s lives \u2014 in the big sacrifices and the small ones \u2014 so that you are truly putting on a posture of love.<\/p>\n Choose selflessness every moment you can. This can be hurtful if both spouses aren\u2019t posturing themselves towards self-sacrifice. But if each of you is committed to that \u2014 what a beautiful picture of love you\u2019ll display to each other and to the world around you.<\/p>\n In marriage, especially as the years go on, it can be so easy to start telling yourself a false story about your spouse \u2014 especially if you are different from one another.<\/p>\n One of you might be future-oriented, while the other is in the moment<\/em>, but the stories you tell yourself in that difference are where the work of marriage really comes in.<\/p>\n If you begin to place a value\u00a0<\/em>on your differences, if you begin to assume that your spouse is bad or has shortcomings simply because he or she is different than you, your marriage will never thrive. We must remember again and again that different isn\u2019t bad.<\/p>\n In fact, our differences can be gifts that help sharpen and shape the other. Accept your differences. Learn to appreciate them. And refuse to let the stories you tell yourself about your spouse get negative or harmful.<\/p>\n Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. There is no shame, in fact, there is only wisdom in seeking guidance from a wise counselor, especially when the pain and conflict in marriage is too much to bear. Go often. Go every few years. Get help.<\/p>\n Therapy saves marriages. Period. As the sage of Proverbs said, \u201cThe way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise person is the one who listens to counsel\u201d (Proverbs 12:15<\/a>).<\/p>\n Healthy conflict includes healthy repair. When your nervous system has calmed down after a fight, and when you are both in a more peaceful emotional place \u2014 that is the moment to do the work of active listening, of emotional repair, and of healing.<\/p>\n Especially for couples who tend to be opposites, it\u2019s worth scheduling intentional time for repair after a conflict, and even worth pausing the conflict in the moment if you are getting too heated.<\/p>\n The way\u00a0<\/em>you have conflict and repair that conflict\u2019s damage matters as much as, if not more, than the actual content of the argument itself. Colossians reminds us to bear with one another and forgive each other. We do this best through intentional, ongoing emotional repair.<\/p>\n This posture will save many marriages. If we aren\u2019t careful, we can tend to believe the lie that we married the wrong person or that someone else \u2014 someone more like us \u2014 would make us happy.<\/p>\n But the marriage that we invest in, is the one that blossoms and grows. Make bids for affection, date, choose each other. Water your marriage and the grass will be green.<\/p>\n I definitely don\u2019t believe in any silver bullets for a successful marriage, but I do believe in a few postures \u2014 a few stances \u2014 that will help make a marriage between opposites last \u2014 and make it last with success and joy.<\/p>\n Photo Credit: \u00a9Getty Images\/OJO_Images<\/span><\/p>\n \nThis article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit1. Grab a Hold of Jesus\u2019 Forgiveness<\/h2>\n
2. Have Fun, Be Playful, Laugh a Lot<\/h2>\n
3. Choose Self-sacrifice<\/h2>\n
4. Know That Different Isn\u2019t Bad<\/h2>\n
5. Get Help<\/h2>\n
6. Repair Matters<\/h2>\n
7. The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It<\/h2>\n
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