\n<\/p>\n
\u201cGod hates divorce.\u201d<\/em> Every married Christian in the Western hemisphere is familiar with the Malachi 2:16<\/a>\u00a0verse, likely used to respectively warn and encourage any Christian sister or brother pondering the subject of divorce. I believe most of us agree God prefers married people to stay married, and we should do everything possible to maintain the vows to our partner and the Lord. After all, marriage is a sacred act, the foundation for family, and divorce is a universally grievous experience.<\/span><\/p>\n But just as we live in a fallen world\u00a0<\/span>full<\/span>\u00a0of broken people and\u00a0<\/span>a myriad of<\/span>\u00a0circumstances beyond our control, sometimes our vows fail us. Sometimes, the one who swore to love and protect us pivots severely in\u00a0<\/span>spirit<\/span>\u00a0and behavior, instead bringing pain and harm.\u00a0<\/span>Sometimes a spouse turns from the Lord\u00a0<\/span>completely,<\/span>\u00a0or falls so deeply into sin they lose\u00a0<\/span>themselves,<\/span>\u00a0and their capacity to love.<\/span>\u00a0Unforeseen acts like physical abuse, manipulation, and infidelity occur, and we\u2019re left in a pool of unfathomable heartache, staring at a seemingly bottomless chasm between what\u00a0<\/span>was\u00a0promised<\/span>\u00a0and what is.<\/span><\/p>\n And aside from all the confusion and difficult questions we\u2019re left struggling with, we\u2019re often left with the uncomfortable, often polarizing question: Should Christians stay married no matter the cost?\u00a0Is it\u00a0ever against God\u2019s will to remain in toxic, unhealthy marriages for the sake of keeping our vows? Some say yes. After all, Jesus turned the other cheek, suffered at length, and still loved those\u00a0nailing him to the cross. And let\u2019s remember, marriage is a sacrifice, not a vacation. Bad marriages may feel unbearable, but life isn\u2019t about our happiness, and God is enough.<\/span><\/p>\n All that sounds\u00a0biblically-informed\u00a0enough, but what about when a marriage involves one spouse dishonoring God by harming the other? What does the Bible say about remaining in abusive relationships where behaviors like spiritual manipulation, financial abuse, infidelity, gaslighting,\u00a0and\u00a0physical intimidation exist? Can it even be considered a sin to stay married in such sad, extreme cases?<\/p>\n I believe the best place to begin is by examining God\u2019s heart and purpose for marriage in the first place. In Ephesians 5:22<\/a>, marriage\u00a0<\/span>is compared<\/span>\u00a0to the relationship between Christ and the church, teaching that Christian spouses reflect this mystery.\u00a0<\/span>As<\/span>\u00a0God willed for Christ and the church to become one body (Gal. 3:28<\/a>, 1 Cor. 12:13<\/a>), so He desires marriage to reflect this pattern\u2014that the husband and wife become one flesh (Gen. 2:24<\/a>).<\/span><\/p>\n In the Catholic faith, Christians believe that the sacrament of marriage is a public declaration of commitment to another person and a public statement about God. The loving union of a couple\u00a0<\/span>is seen<\/span>\u00a0as an example of God’s\u00a0<\/span>values<\/span>\u00a0and family values.<\/span><\/p>\n So what does God expect of those partaking in the holy sacrament of marriage? Naturally, I could regurgitate that 1 Corinthians 13<\/a> verse (love is patient, love is kind<\/a>) and then, of course, pivot to the Ephesians 5:25<\/a> verse instructing husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22<\/a>). But it\u00a0really\u00a0comes to this:\u00a0the purpose of marriage is\u00a0to exemplify\u00a0the love of Christ to our spouse, daily.\u00a0Not\u00a0just for our\u00a0own\u00a0growth and\u00a0joy\u00a0but so that others (our kids, colleagues, neighbors,\u00a0friends) might see God\u2019s\u00a0nature\u00a0and give Him glory.\u00a0By adopting a lifestyle of self-sacrifice and unconditional love towards our spouse, we both become more like\u00a0Jesus\u00a0and, hence, closer to God.<\/p>\n So when we\u2019re talking about the potential of God desiring the obsoletion of these vows, we\u2019re\u00a0obviously\u00a0not talking about leaving a marriage due to bad habits, character flaws, communication issues, loss of attraction, etc. We\u2019re not talking about being \u201cstuck\u201d with a spouse who has proclivities to sin or remains spiritually complacent or \u201csuffering\u201d through extreme seasons of discontentment or discord. That\u2019s just life.\u00a0These (and so many others) are common challenges that take sacrifice, compromise, selflessness, patience\u00a0and\u00a0most likely\u00a0some\u00a0decent marriage counseling to work\u00a0through,\u00a0with God\u2019s grace.\u00a0But what about when a spouse begins mistreating the\u00a0other\u00a0and is unwilling to change?<\/p>\n Jesus only names infidelity (Matt. 19:9<\/a>) as grounds for divorce. Does that mean God expects a spouse to stay married to a physical abuser? What about continued, purposeful verbal attacks? What about an unapologetically intentional habit of a husband or wife\u00a0acting inappropriately\u00a0with members of the opposite sex?\u00a0What would Jesus say to us\u00a0today\u00a0if given the chance to counsel his sweet daughter or son living with a spouse who\u2019s willfully and perpetually violating his or her\u00a0vows\u00a0with no signs of true repentance?\u00a0Would he ever consider it a sin to stay married?<\/p>\n Photo credit: \u00a9Pexels\/Alex Green<\/span><\/p>\n I believe the answer becomes clear as day when exploring the meaning of sin in the first place. Sin is anything that separates us from God. It can be foul language, idolatry, lying, pride, lust, etc. When we continue in these behaviors without repenting, the Holy Spirit living in us remains grieved, and we can\u2019t enjoy close communion with Him. But how could something good and ordained by God, like marriage, be a sin? The same way all the other innately good, godly things like sex (when married), food, wine, work, and entertainment are misused every day (by millions) and turned into acts of gluttony, drunkenness, and idolatry.<\/p>\n I would venture to say some spouses remain in unhealthy, God-dishonoring marriages not out of duty to their vows but out of sin itself. Some would rather raise their children under the roof of a manipulating abuser than endure the \u201cshame\u201d and embarrassment of a divorce, hence making the marriage less of a sacrament and more of an idol or even a mockery that grieves the Lord. Marriage license or not, I believe when a spouse continually engages in any of the malicious, harmful behaviors mentioned above, their vows have already been broken. And by staying married to a destructive spouse – even in the legal sense- we\u2019re not only enabling sinful behavior, we\u2019re perpetuating a degraded, distorted version of God\u2019s design for marriage in the first place. And everyone around us pays the price.<\/p>\n God certainly does not receive glory when children see their mother transmute into a verbally battered shell of\u00a0herself\u00a0by staying with an\u00a0abusive\u00a0husband and instituting a sick view of marriage for her children.\u00a0The beauty of God\u2019s ways\u00a0is not reflected\u00a0when friends witness a wife demeaning and\u00a0brow-beating\u00a0her husband for years without any sign of regret. The majesty of God\u2019s nature is captivating friends who watch a husband financially manipulate his wife for\u00a0years\u00a0to control and possess her.<\/p>\n Notice that the key denominators here are unwillingness and repentance. The biblical meaning of repentance is turning away from self and to God. It involves a change of mind that leads to action. It\u2019s never okay for a spouse to push another during a fit of anger. It\u2019s never okay for a spouse to demean another to tears with their words. It\u2019s never\u00a0<\/span>okay<\/span>\u00a0to watch porn or flirt with a co-worker. But I\u00a0<\/span>do<\/span>\u00a0believe any\/all sins can\u00a0<\/span>be forgiven<\/span>\u00a0and behaviors changed when a spouse experiences true repentance, desires change, and gains trust through proven action.<\/span><\/p>\n In a harmful marriage where the spouse is unwilling or unable to change unhealthy habits, I believe Jesus would say it\u2019s our job to forgive but not reconcile. Because on this side of heaven, there are still consequences, even after forgiveness.\u00a0<\/span>Galatians 6:8<\/a> says, \u201c<\/span>Those who live only to satisfy their\u00a0<\/span>own<\/span>\u00a0sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the\u00a0<\/span>Spirit<\/span>\u00a0will harvest everlasting life from the\u00a0<\/span>Spirit<\/span>.<\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n There is a way to forgive an\u00a0abusive\u00a0spouse without holding any bitterness in our\u00a0hearts\u00a0while choosing to go our separate ways.\u00a0It\u2019s the same\u00a0exact\u00a0concept we see enacted when a Christian pastor commits sexual immorality, adultery, or some other egregious act and\u00a0is rightly removed\u00a0from leadership. Should he be forgiven by the Lord, his church, and\u00a0his victims? Absolutely. But forgiveness does not always equate to restoration. Just as the fallen pastor loses the privilege of shepherding God\u2019s people, so should an abusing spouse lose the privilege of remaining united to any child of God.<\/p>\n I feel as much as we idolatrize the act of marriage in the Christian life, we also over-villainize\u00a0divorce\u00a0to an extent. We make divorce second only to the unpardonable sin.\u00a0We\u2019ve put divorce on a pedestal of evil, looking down from its throne of doctrinal villainhood upon all the lesser sins, with gluttony, malice, lying, complaining, coveting, envying, stealing,\u00a0and\u00a0cheating shouting upward, “At\u00a0least we didn\u2019t break our oath to Jesus!\u00a0At least we didn\u2019t break a family up!\u201d<\/p>\n God always values life over law. It\u2019s why Jesus healed a lame man on the Sabbath despite the Pharisees\u2019 condemnation. Staying married to an unrepented spouse bringing continual harm for the sake of \u201cupholding\u201d a sacrament was never God\u2019s intention. While evil exists in this world, so will divorce, and for some of us, Jesus remains our only true bridegroom. And thankfully, His love never fails<\/a>,\u00a0<\/span>never<\/span>\u00a0harms, and always endures.<\/span><\/p>\n Photo credit: \u00a9GettyImages\/somethingway<\/span><\/p>\n Jessica Kastner<\/em><\/strong><\/a> is an award-winning writer and author of Hiding from the Kids in My Prayer Closet<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em>She leads Bible studies within juvenile detention centers with Straight Ahead Ministries and offers unapologetically real encouragement for women at Jessicakastner.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n